Last time it was raining, I remember too well. Maybe not, but that doesn’t matter at all. The real importance was in the thought. The real importance was in the feeling. Not different things. Personally, I’ve come to notice they’re not different, not even complementary: In this state of things, they’re basically the same. Both: the thought and the feeling.
For me it was raining. You made me suffer for a long, long time. A tough season. I did like it. Why? I’m not sure yet. Having you there, only that. My only wish. You and only you, no matter how and why. I just needed you so much. A moron, you called me. Even at the most perverse of circumstances, I still needed you. Past isn’t correct: I still need you. We started with grievances I couldn’t understand. Then insanity became our daily supper. I was greedily holding to you in such a way there aren’t explanations. Nobody knows, nobody understands. Not even me. I’m very contradictory, I’ve always been. But... It’s just a thought, it’s just a feeling.
I wonder if we’re damned. Damned for eternity, at least for life. We did so bad things to each other. Nothing to be ashamed, I would say. Nevertheless, the others - always the others - expect some kind of repentance. I won’t repent. It would be like thinking all our story wasn’t for something. And I know we’re still holding to some feeling between us. It may be love, it may be hate. Whatsoever, the feeling maintain me alive. The recurrent idea of you. It’s just a thought, it’s just a feeling.
The other day I walked beside my best friend, through the same path we used to walk all the afternoons after dinner. I told him I still needed you. He put his sight on the floor and told me with resignation: “Search her then”. But I wasn’t brave enough. I’ve seen you in my darkest dreams and in my solitude I understood there are things to be left behind. I realized you were one of them. It’s just a thought, it’s just a feeling.
For me it was raining. You made me suffer for a long, long time. A tough season. I did like it. Why? I’m not sure yet. Having you there, only that. My only wish. You and only you, no matter how and why. I just needed you so much. A moron, you called me. Even at the most perverse of circumstances, I still needed you. Past isn’t correct: I still need you. We started with grievances I couldn’t understand. Then insanity became our daily supper. I was greedily holding to you in such a way there aren’t explanations. Nobody knows, nobody understands. Not even me. I’m very contradictory, I’ve always been. But... It’s just a thought, it’s just a feeling.
I wonder if we’re damned. Damned for eternity, at least for life. We did so bad things to each other. Nothing to be ashamed, I would say. Nevertheless, the others - always the others - expect some kind of repentance. I won’t repent. It would be like thinking all our story wasn’t for something. And I know we’re still holding to some feeling between us. It may be love, it may be hate. Whatsoever, the feeling maintain me alive. The recurrent idea of you. It’s just a thought, it’s just a feeling.
The other day I walked beside my best friend, through the same path we used to walk all the afternoons after dinner. I told him I still needed you. He put his sight on the floor and told me with resignation: “Search her then”. But I wasn’t brave enough. I’ve seen you in my darkest dreams and in my solitude I understood there are things to be left behind. I realized you were one of them. It’s just a thought, it’s just a feeling.
Once I’d had a terrible nightmare: I saw you in despair. In my anger, I left you to be saved by your new guy. Time passed and he didn’t come. It was because there was no new guy. You’d been saying the truth all that time and I stupidily didn’t believe you. Now I’m alone. When I realized that I wanted to help you. I wanted to go there and saved you. But I couldn’t. I saw you lose yourself until death. It was such a vivid nightmare. I woke up sweety and lost. My heart bear no more hatred for you. I took my things and went out. Just for you. I needed you. I expected more of everything. Of course, I was scared. Terrified. I found you and we found our eyes. We didn’t need to talk. We lost in ourselves once more. Besides, I’ve seen the real importance of this: It’s just a thought, it’s just a feeling.
Jerr. November 4th, 2007.
1 comentario:
no estoy segura de que me haya gustado que escribieras en inglés. Istill love you though!
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